YAOI: Gift Or Curse?
by Xtase
Summary: What do the guys of NARUTO think of the advent of boys' love in fandom? Crack. Rated M for language.


I hereby declare that I claim no rights to **NARUTO © 1999 by Kishimoto Masashi/SHUEISHA Inc. **and receive no monetary benefit for any narrative I publish hereafter based on this manga or any of its other media adaptations.

Warnings are in place for the usual crude humour.

-Xtase

Believe it or not, the shinobi of the Narutoverse do have a stance on the odd phenomenon that is yaoi. This is what they had to say when asked what yaoi means to them:

**Naruto: **The opportunity to be banged up the bum by every male character in this series, regardless of circumstance, compatabilty or species. I also get to act like a whiny little bitch, sprout myself a mystical womb and fall pregnant by preposterous means.. usually to bear Sasuke's bastard children.

**Sasuke:** I get to sexually assault Naruto with snakes, be molested by Orochimaru and get surprise buttsex'd by my older brother. Then my desperate fangirls try to coax me back to Team Vagina once they find out.

**Sai: **The only time Naruto can hear me talk about his penis and like it.

**Chōji:** A way to finally get out of the friendzone with Shikamaru.

**Kiba: **Literally having ants in my pants from boning Shino - and being mentally stripped by Neji's piercing Byakugan eyes.

**Lee:** Crack sex with the ex-bipolar-sociopath Kazekage who crushed my limbs to a bloody pulp and tried to murder me in my hospital bed.

**Shikamaru: **A break from being man-whored to Ino, Temari, Kin, Tayuya and Shiho.

**Shino: **When every guy suddenly finds my sexy trench-coated mysteriousness well-nigh irresistable.

**Neji: **I either get caught up in a whirlwind romance with Kiba or Gaara, who I have _never_ spoken to, or I'm used as a catalyst and then pushed to the side as soon as I've served the purpose of getting Naruto and Sasuke to declare their undying love for each other. Oh, and sexing up Lee *shudder*.

**Kakashi:** An excuse to behave inappropriately towards my colleagues. I get to constantly harass and eventually marry Iruka - who I have spoken to not more than twice during the entire 600+ chapter run of this manga - or I end up having affairs with three different generatioms of shinobi, some examples being my dead sensei, Obito, Tenzō, Genma, Raidō, Naruto, Sasuke or Itachi.

**Deidara:** If I'm not getting my wad ripped by a living doll, I'm getting gang banged by the rest of the Akatsuki. I'm like the 2.0 version of Naruto.

**Hidan:** Tentacle rape followed by decapitation with that fuckbrain Kakuzu.

**Pain: **Being a naughty leader who fucks his subordinates with the use of his zombie army.

**Itachi: **Crack sex with Deidara, feeling the need to harass both Naruto-kun and the human incarnation of the demon in his gut, fending off the advances of a fishstick who walks like a man, and finally coming to terms with the badly developed sexual tension I have with my brother.

**Zetsu: **Pollinating with our own self.

**Sasori: **Abusing Deidara in ways not possible otherwise.

**Kisame: **I ain't complaining, they always 'ship me with someone pretty.

**Kakuzu: **Another excuse to vent my frustrations on Hidan.

**Obito: **Being bashed by fangirls for tying their precious Sasuke up and "corrupting" him.

**Suigetsu: **A chance to fuck with Sasuke in more ways than I already do.

**Juugo: **The resurrection of Kimimaro.

**Haku: **Working double shifts as Zabuza's sex toy as well as his tool.

**Madara: **Playing strip poker with Hashirama, having an affair with the human version of the Kyūbi, then molesting my pretty little descendants before approaching my little brother for some incestuous nookie.

**Kankurō:** Mental scarring from graphic depictions of Sandcest.

**Kotetsu: **Working up a sweat with Izumo on the Hokage's paper-strewn desk.

**Raidō: **Same here, but with Genma.

**Gaara: **A chance to unlock my OOC Mode.

**Asuma: **Having all the shinobi of my generation fight with Kurenai over me.

**Tobio: **Being worshipped by NaruSasu fangirls for unwittingly making their dream pairing come true - kinda.

**Minato: **Sex with my mentor. Why? My students. Why? My own son. Why? The Kyūbi, who killed me. Damn, _why_?

**Hiruzen: **Having steamy threesomes with Danzō and Koharu behind my other lover, Tobirama-sensei's back while we were supposed to be winning the Second Great Shinobi World War.

**Jiraiya: **Becoming more familiar with Orochimaru's tongue than I'd like.

**Kabuto: **Molesting Sasuke-kun! And then being molested by Orochimaru-sama.

**Orochimaru: **Luring vulnerable teen boys into my clutches so I can make use of their young bodies. Sasuke-kun, that means you, too.

Yaoi: Gift or Curse? It is still too soon to tell.

.

_Let me take the time to explain a few things before this ends up sparking a debate._

_Yaoi, a term which has now largely been replaced by Boys' Love (BL), is a genre of fictional media featuring homoerotic and homoromantic male relationships. They include dōjinshi of varying sexual content and are often written by women, and aimed at the shōjo/josei demographic._

_BL is not an umbrella term for all homosexual relationships in fictional media. It should also not be confused with other labels such as Shōnen-Ai, Gei Comi (Bara or Mens' Love), Gachi Muchi or Shotacon, which are not different branches of Boys' Love, but distinct, separate genres by themselves. BL is most often mixed up with shōnen-ai by non-Japanese fans. _

_Shōnen-ai is in fact an obsolete subgenre of shōjo manga depicting __prepubescent__ males involved in relationships ranging from platonic to full-on sexual. It has now been rendered as a distinct genre in its own right, __shotacon,__ and is no longer exclusively aimed at girls and young women. It is interesting to note that shotacon is not limited to dōjinshi, but is also quite prevalent in mainstream media (look it up if you are curious). Shota works, unlike shōnen-ai, can be both original works or parodies of popular manga and anime._

_Shōnen-Ai differs from BL in the respect that BL depicts relationships between males varying from entirely nonsexual to explicitly pornographic __over a range of ages__ (from the onset of pubescence onward), and the fact that Shōnen-Ai are all __original works__, whereas __BL are parodies __of popular shōnen manga._

_I have chosen to avoid using the common misinterpretation of yaoi western fans have chosen to adopt. That is, using yaoi to only describe works that are sexually explicit and devoid of decent plot and labeling works more focussed on romance and affection as shōnen-ai. However, it can be perceived in either way, the choice is up to the fujoshi consumers about how they interpret the terms. But all the males featured in this fic have reached pubescence and thus they meet the basic yaoi requirement (in its native, uncorrupted sense)._

_I hope this clears up any confusion on the part of the reader._

_Peace._


End file.
